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Here love had died between me and the army。
Here the tram lines ended； so that men returning fuddled from Glasgow could doze in their seats until roused by their journey s end。 There …was some way to go from the tram…stop to the camp gates a quarter of a mile in which they could button their blouses and straighten their caps before passing the guard…room； quarter of a mile in which concrete gave place to grass at the road's edge。 This was the extreme limit of the city。 Here the close； homogeneous territory of housing estates and cinemas ended and the hinterland began。
The camp stood where； until quite lately； had been pasture and ploughland； the farmhouse still stood in a fold of the hill and had served us for battalion offices； ivy still supported part of what had once been the walls of a fruit garden； half an acre of mutilated old trees behind the wash…houses survived of an orchard。 The place had been marked for destruction before the army came to it。 Had there been another year of peace； there would have been no farmhouse； no wall； no apple trees。 Already 5 half a mile of concrete road lay between bare clay banks and on open ditches showed where the municipal contractors had designed a system of drainage。 Another year of peace would have made the place part of the neighbouring suburb。 Now the huts where we had wintered waited their turn for destruction。
Over the way； the subject of much ironical ment； half hidden even in winter by its embosoming trees； lay the municipal lunatic asylum； whose cast…iron railings and noble gates put our rough wire to shame。 We could watch the madmen； on clement days； sauntering and skipping among the trim gravel walks and pleasantly planted lawns； happy collaborationists who had given up the unequal struggle； all doubts resolved； all duty done； the undisputed heirs…at…law of a century of progress； enjoying the heritage at their ease。 As we marched past； the men used to shout greetings to them through the railings … 'Keep a bed warm for me； chum。 I shan't be long' … but Hooper； my newest…joined platoon…mander； grudged them their life of privilege； 'Hitler would put them in a gas chamber；' he said； 'I reckon we can learn a thing or two from him。'
Here； when we marched in at mid…winter； I brought a pany of strong and hopeful men； word had gone round among them； as we moved from the moors to this dockland area； that we were at last in transit for the Middle East。 As the days passed and we began clearing the snow and levelling a parade ground； I saw their disappointment change to resignation。 They snuffed the smell of the fried…fish shops and cocked their ears to familiar； peace…time sounds of the works' siren and the dance…hall band。 On off…days they slouched now at street ers and sidled away at the approach of an officer for fear that； by saluting； they would lose face with their new mistresses。 In the pany office there was a crop of minor charges and requests for passionate leave； while it was still half…fight； day began with the whine of the malingerer and the glum face and fixed eye of the man with a grievance。
And I； who by every precept should have put heart into them … how could I help them； who could so little help myself。？ Here the colonel under whom we had formed； was promoted out of our sight and succeeded by a younger and less lovable man； cross…posted from another regiment。 There were few left in the mess now of the batch of volunteers who trained together at the outbreak of war； one way and another they were nearly all gone … some had been invalided out； some promoted to other battalions； some posted to staff jobs； some had volunteered for special service； one had got himself killed on the field firing range； one had been court…martialled … and their places were taken by conscripts； the wireless played incessantly in the ante…room nowadays and much beer was drunk before dinner； it was not as it had been。
Here at the age of thirty…nine I began to be old。 I felt stiff and weary in the evenings and reluctant to go out of camp； I developed proprietary claims to certain chairs and newspapers； I regularly drank three glasses of gin before dinner； never more or less； and …went to bed immediately after the nine o'clock news。 I was always awake and fretful an hour before reveille。
Here …my last love died … There was nothing remarkable in the manner of its death。 One day； not long before 'this last day in camp； as I lay awake before reveille； in the Nissen hut； gazing into the plete blackness； amid the deep breathing and muttering of the four other occupants； turning over in my mind what I had to do that day … had I put in the names of two corporals for the weapon…training course？ Should I again have the largest number of men overstaying their leave in the batch due back that day？ Could I trust Hooper to take the candidates class out map…reading？ … as I lay in that dark hour； I was aghast to realize that something within me； long sickening； had quietly died； and felt as a husband might feel； who； in the fourth year of his marriage； suddenly knew that he had no longer any desire； or tenderness； or esteem； for a once…beloved wife； no pleasure in her pany； no wish to please； no curiosity about anything she might ever do or say or think； no hope of setting things right； no self…reproach for the disaster。 I knew it all； the whole drab pass of marital disillusion； we had been through it together； the Army and I； from the first importunate courtship until now； when nothing remained to us except the chill bonds of law and duty and custom。 I had played every scene in the domestic tragedy； had found the early tiffs bee more frequent； the tears less affecting； the reconciliations less sweet； till they engendered a mood of aloofness and cool criticism； and the growing conviction that it was not myself but the loved one who was at fault。 I caught the false notes in her voice and learned to listen for them apprehensively； I recognized the blank； resentful stare of inprehension in her eyes； and the selfish； hard set of the ers of her mouth。 I learned her； as one must learn a woman one has kept house with； day in； day out； for three and a half years； I learned her slatternly