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grievously against the Lord； but she wronged me。 What Arthur's father
was to me； she made him。 From our marriage day I was his dread； and that
she made me。 I was the scourge of both； and that is referable to her。
You love Arthur （I can see the blush upon your face； may it be the dawn
of happier days to both of you！）； and you will have thought already that
he is as merciful and kind as you； and why do I not trust myself to him
as soon as to you。 Have you not thought so？'
'No thought；' said Little Dorrit； 'can be quite a stranger to my heart；
that springs out of the knowledge that Mr Clennam is always to be relied
upon for being kind and generous and good。'
'I do not doubt it。 Yet Arthur is； of the whole world； the one person
from whom I would conceal this； while I am in it。 I kept over him as
a child； in the days of his first remembrance； my restraining and
correcting hand。 I was stern with him； knowing that the transgressions
of the parents are visited on their offspring； and that there was an
angry mark upon him at his birth。 I have sat with him and his father；
seeing the weakness of his father yearning to unbend to him； and forcing
it back； that the child might work out his release in bondage and
hardship。 I have seen him； with his mother's face； looking up at me in
awe from his little books； and trying to soften me with his mother's
ways that hardened me。'
The shrinking of her auditress stopped her for a moment in her flow of
words； delivered in a retrospective gloomy voice。
'For his good。 Not for the satisfaction of my injury。 What was I； and
what was the worth of that； before the curse of Heaven！ I have seen that
child grow up； not to be pious in a chosen way （his mother's influence
lay too heavy on him for that）； but still to be just and upright； and
to be submissive to me。 He never loved me； as I once half…hoped he
might……so frail we are； and so do the corrupt affections of the flesh
war with our trusts and tasks； but he always respected me and ordered
himself dutifully to me。 He does to this hour。 With an empty place in
his heart that he has never known the meaning of； he has turned
away from me and gone his separate road； but even that he has done
considerately and with deference。 These have been his relations towards
me。 Yours have been of a much slighter kind； spread over a much shorter
time。 When you have sat at your needle in my room； you have been in fear
of me； but you have supposed me to have been doing you a kindness； you
are better informed now； and know me to have done you an injury。 Your
misconstruction and misunderstanding of the cause in which； and the
motives with which； I have worked out this work； is lighter to endure
than his would be。 I would not； for any worldly repense I can
imagine； have him in a moment； however blindly； throw me down from the
station I have held before him all his life； and change me altogether
into something he would cast out of his respect； and think detected and
exposed。 Let him do it； if it must be done； when I am not here to see
it。 Let me never feel； while I am still alive； that I die before his
face； and utterly perish away from him； like one consumed by lightning
and swallowed by an earthquake。'
Her pride was very strong in her； the pain of it and of her old passions
was very sharp with her； when she thus expressed herself。 Not less so；
when she added：
'Even now； I see YOU shrink from me； as if I had been cruel。'
Little Dorrit could not gainsay it。 She tried not to show it； but she
recoiled with dread from the state of mind that had burnt so fiercely
and lasted so long。 It presented itself to her； with no sophistry upon
it； in its own plain nature。
'I have done；' said Mrs Clennam；'what it was given to me to do。 I have
set myself against evil； not against good。 I have been an instrument
of severity against sin。 Have not mere sinners like myself been
missioned to lay it low in all time？'
'In all time？' repeated Little Dorrit。
'Even if my own wrong had prevailed with me； and my own vengeance had
moved me； could I have found no justification？ None in the old days
when the innocent perished with the guilty 2 a thousand to one？ When the
wrath of the hater of the unrighteous was not slaked even in blood； and
yet found favour？'
'O； Mrs Clennam； Mrs Clennam；' said Little Dorrit； 'angry feelings and
unforgiving deeds are no fort and no guide to you and me。 My life
has been passed in this poor prison； and my teaching has been very
defective； but let me implore you to remember later and better days。
Be guided only by the healer of the sick； the raiser of the dead； the
friend of all who were afflicted and forlorn； the patient Master who
shed tears of passion for our infirmities。 We cannot but be right if
we put all the rest away； and do everything in remembrance of Him。 There
is no vengeance and no infliction of suffering in His life； I am sure。
There can be no confusion in following Him； and seeking for no other
footsteps； I am certain。'
In the softened light of the window； looking from the scene of her early
trials to the shining sky； she was not in stronger opposition to the
black figure in the shade than the life and doctrine on which she rested
were to that figure's history。 It bent its head low again； and said not
a word。 It remained thus； until the first warning bell began to ring。
'Hark！' cried Mrs Clennam starting； 'I said I had another petition。
It is one that does not admit of delay。 The man who brought you this
packet and possesses these proofs； is now waiting at my house to be
bought off。 I can keep this from Arthur； only by buying him off。 He
asks a large sum； more than I can get together to pay him without having
time。 He refuses to make any abatement； because his threat is； that if
he fails with me； he will e to you。 Will you return with me and show
him that you already know it？ Will you return with me and try to prevail
with him？ Will you e and help me with him？ Do not refuse what I ask
in Arthur's name； though I dare not ask it for Arthur's sake！'
Little Dorrit yielded willingly。 She glided away into the prison for a
few moments； returned； and sa