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the gardens。 Just as I reached the gravel…walk； I felt an arm slipped within
mine； and a light hand gently pressing my wrist。 In the same instant a
strange intoxicating numbness passed over me； like the continuance or
climax of the sensation I was still feeling from the gaze of Lucrezia Borgia。
The gardens； the summer sky； the consciousness of Bertha's arm being
within mine； all vanished； and I seemed to be suddenly in darkness； out of
which there gradually broke a dim firelight； and I felt myself sitting in my
father's leather chair in the library at home。 I knew the fireplacethe
dogs for the wood…firethe black marble chimney…piece with the white
marble medallion of the dying Cleopatra in the centre。 Intense and
hopeless misery was pressing on my soul； the light became stronger； for
Bertha was entering with a candle in her hand… …Bertha； my wifewith
cruel eyes； with green jewels and green leaves on her white ball…dress；
every hateful thought within her present to me 。 。 。 〃Madman； idiot！ why
don't you kill yourself； then？〃 It was a moment of hell。 I saw into her
pitiless soulsaw its barren worldliness； its scorching hateand felt it
clothe me round like an air I was obliged to breathe。 She came with her
candle and stood over me with a bitter smile of contempt； I saw the great
emerald brooch on her bosom； a studded serpent with diamond eyes。 I
shudderedI despised this woman with the barren soul and mean thoughts；
but I felt helpless before her； as if she clutched my bleeding heart； and
would clutch it till the last drop of life… blood ebbed away。 She was my
wife； and we hated each other。 Gradually the hearth； the dim library； the
candle…light disappearedseemed to melt away into a background of light；
the green serpent with the diamond eyes remaining a dark image on the
retina。 Then I had a sense of my eyelids quivering； and the living
daylight broke in upon me； I saw gardens； and heard voices； I was seated
on the steps of the Belvedere Terrace； and my friends were round me。
The tumult of mind into which I was thrown by this hideous vision
made me ill for several days； and prolonged our stay at Vienna。 I
shuddered with horror as the scene recurred to me； and it recurred
constantly； with all its minutiae； as if they had been burnt into my memory；
and yet； such is the madness of the human heart under the influence of its
immediate desires； I felt a wild hell…braving joy that Bertha was to be mine；
for the fulfilment of my former prevision concerning her first appearance
before me； left me little hope that this last hideous glimpse of the future
was the mere diseased play of my own mind； and had no relation to
external realities。 One thing alone I looked towards as a possible means
of casting doubt on my terrible convictionthe discovery that my vision of
Prague had been falseand Prague was the next city on our route。
Meanwhile； I was no sooner in Bertha's society again than I was as
pletely under her sway as before。 What if I saw into the heart of
Bertha； the matured womanBertha； my wife？ Bertha； the GIRL； was a
fascinating secret to me still： I trembled under her touch； I felt the
witchery of her presence； I yearned to be assured of her love。 The fear of
poison is feeble against the sense of thirst。 Nay； I was just as jealous of my
brother as beforejust as much irritated by his small patronizing ways； for
my pride； my diseased sensibility； were there as they had always been； and
winced as inevitably under every offence as my eye winced from an
intruding mote。 The future； even when brought within the pass of
feeling by a vision that made me shudder； had still no more than the force
of an idea； pared with the force of present emotionof my love for
Bertha； of my dislike and jealousy towards my brother。
It is an old story； that men sell themselves to the tempter； and sign a
bond with their blood； because it is only to take effect at a distant day；
then rush on to snatch the cup their souls thirst after with an impulse not
the less savage because there is a dark shadow beside them for evermore。
There is no short cut； no patent tram…road； to wisdom： after all the
centuries of invention； the soul's path lies through the thorny wilderness
which must be still trodden in solitude； with bleeding feet； with sobs for
help； as it was trodden by them of old time。
My mind speculated eagerly on the means by which I should bee
my brother's successful rival； for I was still too timid； in my ignorance of
Bertha's actual feeling； to venture on any step that would urge from her an
avowal of it。 I thought I should gain confidence even for this； if my
vision of Prague proved to have been veracious； and yet； the horror of that
certitude！ Behind the slim girl Bertha； whose words and looks I watched
for； whose touch was bliss； there stood continually that Bertha with the
fuller form； the harder eyes； the more rigid mouthwith the barren； selfish
soul laid bare； no longer a fascinating secret； but a measured fact； urging
itself perpetually on my unwilling sight。 Are you unable to give me your
sympathyyou who react this？ Are you unable to imagine this double
consciousness at work within me； flowing on like two parallel streams
which never mingle their waters and blend into a mon hue？ Yet you
must have known